Never say never. I’ve said that to other people. I’ve told
myself that many times. Yet I still do it and it bites me in the ass every
time, every time.
I knew my state of mind 11 years ago. I knew my state of
mind lately was nearly the same. I knew it was dangerous for me to be in that
state of mind and looking for some physical relief. I knew looking in the wrong
place was even more dangerous. Yet I did it again. That stupid, stupid song
keeps ringing in my ears, “oops I did it again,” and I hate it.
A few months ago I hunted down an old flame. More to prove to
myself I was better than that and to shove that in his face. I was ok, better
than ok. I was fine without him in my life.
The last month or two, I just had no better thing to do, no
better option, again so dangerous for me.
I’ve been single too long again. Since my divorce in 2004,
only ten months after my marriage in 2003 I’ve dated a few times. One shortly
after my divorce to an alcoholic, I dumped quickly after a few weeks. The
second “relationship” resulted in my son in 2005-06, being dumped at 20 weeks
pregnant wasn’t exactly fun. He hasn’t had anything to do with my son since. I
went on a pretty long hiatus after that. In 2009 I dated a guy for about 10
months but was dumped via facebook relationship status change. Another long
hiatus and taking out extra energy on fitness and I landed another real winner.
Someone who I’m pretty sure cheated on me a few times, and took advantage of me
financially in 2012.
Since then NOTHING outside of a duffas that was way too
immature for me so it really shouldn’t county for the 4 weeks I tried! So for the
last 12 years, I’ve tried a “relationship” 4 times, well 5 with immature dude.
NONE of which lasted more than 10 months, only 3 lasted up to 10 months tops. So
for the last 146 months, I’ve been “with someone” 30 of those. It’s actually
really pathetic.
Hence my mood lately, I mean getting anything resembling
physical action once every 6 months, if I’m lucky is a real downer. Sometimes
that physical release is wrapped up in 30 minutes or less. REALLY!?
So a few weekends ago the past came back to haunt me.
Walking me to the car after a night of karaoke and he kissed my neck, right
under my ear lobe, his mustache tickling my neck, my weakness, I knew I needed to
be stronger. History repeats itself though. After a few too many to drink I
pecked him on his lips this past weekend. Then on Saturday he kisses me, like
really kisses me and asks me to take him home. I was pretty proud of myself for
telling him no, that it sounded good but was probably not a good idea. I made
it 2/3’s of the way home and he texts me though, I’d left my credit card at the
bar. SHIT!
He brought it to me. Sat on my couch and watched a movie,
then made his move. I forgot his move, but it worked. Damn but it worked. We
tore up sheets, the bed and oh my god I had to tell him to stop. I forgot but
he damn sure reminded me. I sent him packing right away but holy hot damn, I
want to try another round, ya know make sure I remember for a while, because it
would never work.
It won’t work long term with him. I want someone long term,
to share life with. I want stability and steady love and action and support. He
can’t do that, I know he can’t. He lives an hour away, I’m not moving. I’d be
the bread winner again, like a huge difference, I think. I don’t mind being
equals or even if I brought home a little more financially than someone I was
with, but no way could I do the sugar momma thing again and feel taken
advantage of.
So I’m in this dangerous place again with my feelings, with
my physical needs and what I deserve. I deserve so much more, so much better. I’ve
put up with a lot of SHIT a WHOLE LOT OF SHIT. I’ve been left 10 months after
marriage for someone else. I’ve been cheated on more than once, taken advantage
of financially. I’ve been dumped via facebook. I’ve been given the mixed
signals, brush offs, used for one thing or another. I want someone to be there
for me, only for me, and despite all my walls, faults and downfalls.
So prince charming, sir if you could show yourself really
soon that would be GREAT!
