I suck at finding men!

I’m not sure I’m cut out for this relationship stuff. I want this to work out badly. I like this dude a lot. He makes me laugh, he’s super sweet. I just don’t know if I can handle the stress of waiting for the next foot to drop.

I’m trying to not hold up walls at the same time hold up enough walls to keep my sanity if the other foot drops and it doesn’t work out. I’m so tired of failing.

 

So I have to ask myself if I’m wanting this to work because I’m afraid to fail again and prove that it’s not all me and my fault?

Am I wanting this to work just so that I’m not alone any more? Am I looking for trouble, waiting for the other foot to drop.

 

I never thought of myself as a need person, but in this since of reassurance, I have become one.

 

 

I guess I need to catch back up.

 

So NYE dude is weird. Just really weird. He’s OCD to the nth degree. He got upset with my lifestyle of clutter and couldn’t hack it, walked away. Even if he’s sent me some really, nearly desperate texts that he maybe thinks he made a mistake. Monday night I finally just texted him that I’m trying with an old friend and really want it to work.

 

 

Back to the old friend. He and I have been texting and hanging out a lot. The last few days the texts haven’t been exactly all the time like they were, which hence has my stress up and has me really flabbergasted at my reactions and just messed up all the way around. Emotional to say the least.

 

I’ve gone his way the last couple of weekends to spend some time with him. Yesterday, on the holiday I truly dispise… Valentine’s Day I really do hate it like really really really hate it, I took a vacation day to hang with him. We went fishing. Off and on through the day it felt real, but he felt hung back. I really don’t know what to feel and how fast to fall. I’m afraid I’m already there. Which brings back the rest of my emotions and questions.

 

I want to hide away for a good cry. I really do. I want him to show me one way or another, I can’t handle my guessing. I’m usually not right anyway. Grrrr. Why can’t it just work already for me.

 

What makes matters worse… I’ve told people. A lot of people, well maybe not a lot but more than I normally would that I’m seeing someone…. What if that makes me a fool? What if that makes me a larger more hideous fool. I’ll look like I fell on my face again. Why?

 

New year, new me and two new men.

New year, new me and two new men. 

 

2017, the year of another reinvention. The year I get back on the health track. The year I stop being single. 

Well maybe best 2 out of 3? 

 

New Year's Eve I had planned to go to a casino, drop $40, have a drink and be home before midnight. Ya know, the usual. Before I headed to the casino I drove out to a Pokémon hot spot. Yes, I became a Pokémon hunter. That even sounds pathetic to me. 

Anyway. While I'm arriving someone sends me a message on plenty of fish. Normally I just glance and delete. But this dude was local so I responded. 

Introduce online small talk. Blah. 

 

I mentioned where I'd be and that it'd be a ton more fun than his folding clothes. He was dense and didn't pick up the hint right away. Once he did, he agreed to meet me at a karaoke bar. 

 

He said he'd meet me around 10. I got there around 930. I sang a song and as 10 approached I figured he'd be like so many other douches I've encountered and he either wouldn't show or tuck tail and run. 

 

He did show however. He texted me and I guess I saw him before he saw me. When he didn't come to join me at my table, again my mind went to the other douches. Finally he saw me and joined me. He even paid for the 2 beers, one was before he got there even. 

 

The evening was filled with drunk watching and attempting to get to know each other over the singing. 

 

I did get a peck at midnight and a decent kiss at the truck to end the night. And he's still texting me. 

 

In fact, he came to a basketball game and took me to dinner after. 

 

And he's still texting me. 

 

Enter the 2nd dude. 

 

I've known this 2nd dude for years. He's hinted off and on the last couple months picking up something with me. He hinted more action in the sack and less romance. I'm just too damn old for that game and too long single. 

 

Well he started texting more this week and met for lunch one day. 

 

Both seem to be wanting something real and both keep texting. 

 

My bestest friend doesn't seem to think the one is good for me at all. Says he's a player and a user. She doesn't know the other at all. 

 

I'm willing to keep my options open at the moment. I don't want to close any doors. I

Really want something real and lasting in my life. Maybe 2017 is my year. I can only hope. 

Again.....

Never say never. I’ve said that to other people. I’ve told myself that many times. Yet I still do it and it bites me in the ass every time, every time.

I knew my state of mind 11 years ago. I knew my state of mind lately was nearly the same. I knew it was dangerous for me to be in that state of mind and looking for some physical relief. I knew looking in the wrong place was even more dangerous. Yet I did it again. That stupid, stupid song keeps ringing in my ears, “oops I did it again,” and I hate it.

A few months ago I hunted down an old flame. More to prove to myself I was better than that and to shove that in his face. I was ok, better than ok. I was fine without him in my life.

The last month or two, I just had no better thing to do, no better option, again so dangerous for me.

I’ve been single too long again. Since my divorce in 2004, only ten months after my marriage in 2003 I’ve dated a few times. One shortly after my divorce to an alcoholic, I dumped quickly after a few weeks. The second “relationship” resulted in my son in 2005-06, being dumped at 20 weeks pregnant wasn’t exactly fun. He hasn’t had anything to do with my son since. I went on a pretty long hiatus after that. In 2009 I dated a guy for about 10 months but was dumped via facebook relationship status change. Another long hiatus and taking out extra energy on fitness and I landed another real winner. Someone who I’m pretty sure cheated on me a few times, and took advantage of me financially in 2012.

Since then NOTHING outside of a duffas that was way too immature for me so it really shouldn’t county for the 4 weeks I tried! So for the last 12 years, I’ve tried a “relationship” 4 times, well 5 with immature dude. NONE of which lasted more than 10 months, only 3 lasted up to 10 months tops. So for the last 146 months, I’ve been “with someone” 30 of those. It’s actually really pathetic.

Hence my mood lately, I mean getting anything resembling physical action once every 6 months, if I’m lucky is a real downer. Sometimes that physical release is wrapped up in 30 minutes or less. REALLY!?

So a few weekends ago the past came back to haunt me. Walking me to the car after a night of karaoke and he kissed my neck, right under my ear lobe, his mustache tickling my neck, my weakness, I knew I needed to be stronger. History repeats itself though. After a few too many to drink I pecked him on his lips this past weekend. Then on Saturday he kisses me, like really kisses me and asks me to take him home. I was pretty proud of myself for telling him no, that it sounded good but was probably not a good idea. I made it 2/3’s of the way home and he texts me though, I’d left my credit card at the bar. SHIT!

He brought it to me. Sat on my couch and watched a movie, then made his move. I forgot his move, but it worked. Damn but it worked. We tore up sheets, the bed and oh my god I had to tell him to stop. I forgot but he damn sure reminded me. I sent him packing right away but holy hot damn, I want to try another round, ya know make sure I remember for a while, because it would never work.

It won’t work long term with him. I want someone long term, to share life with. I want stability and steady love and action and support. He can’t do that, I know he can’t. He lives an hour away, I’m not moving. I’d be the bread winner again, like a huge difference, I think. I don’t mind being equals or even if I brought home a little more financially than someone I was with, but no way could I do the sugar momma thing again and feel taken advantage of.

So I’m in this dangerous place again with my feelings, with my physical needs and what I deserve. I deserve so much more, so much better. I’ve put up with a lot of SHIT a WHOLE LOT OF SHIT. I’ve been left 10 months after marriage for someone else. I’ve been cheated on more than once, taken advantage of financially. I’ve been dumped via facebook. I’ve been given the mixed signals, brush offs, used for one thing or another. I want someone to be there for me, only for me, and despite all my walls, faults and downfalls.

So prince charming, sir if you could show yourself really soon that would be GREAT!

My past coming back

A couple of people from my past are popping back up in Facebook lately and I'm not sure why now or how to feel about it.

I've tried to keep up with my son's bio sperm donor through the years. If for no other reason to know how to contact him and what to tell my son if and when he ever asks questions. 

He seems about the same as he always has. It doesn't appear that he's working. He is considerably older and I guess could be drawing ss by now, who knows. Part of me wants to get child support from him, the other doesn't want to bother, I'm doing just fine and he's never lifted a finger before.

The other blast from the past was a short fling. He was emotionally unavailable to me apparently and ended things before they ever really took off. I know at one point not terribly long after he was in a relationship but appears not now. 

It's WEIRD!

The latest in online dating

I finally had a date. Dinner, and he bought, it was even steak. He was older, and met off a promo free weekend on one of the dating sites I have a profile on. 

Pros.... Seems to have his shit together. Has one kid, grown and out of the house. Has a job, vehicle and from my background check seems clean.

Cons... He's older, on the shyer end of the scale, doesn't drink at all.... This one sounds funny. I don't want a drunk or a lush, but I enjoy a beer or wine too much on occasion to have someone that won't drink or will frown on drinking. He's already raised a kid, don't know if he's up to it again even as a step. He could get clingy before I'm ready.

I also texted with another dude from the same promo weekend. I'm very intrigued with this guy. I'm hoping making a meeting later this week, we will see.

That's it.... I'm otherwise still on hiatus, minus a quick scratch by a dependable back up to keep me from being too desperate or irrationally jumping someone else too quickly....hey he fixed my headlight too.

Some dudes just can't take a hint

I'm not interested. No thank you. Uh not today. Total silence. Some dudes are so dense, none of of this works.

I've decided to take a hiatus. Short or long term is yet to be determined. Life has worn me down. I'm at a point and a state of mind that I'm not comfortable with. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of not being touched, not being loved, not being cuddled and told I'm beautiful. The lack of that makes me a tool. A cold, empty tool, that once used is pushed aside completely. 

So I'm on a hiatus. I'm going to focus on me, eating better, hopefully becoming more active and working out again. 

I had made this decision and then a dude that is totally unavailble, emotionally and truly otherwise can't take a hint. He texts me. I'm good with that, passes the time, but I know he only wants one thing. I told him about my hiatus. I told him I'm a single woman and it's winter time, thus I only shave when I truly feel like it, which isn't this week. I told him him I'm a slob today. Sweats, hoodie, ball cap, hairy slob today. I also told him mother nature's preggo test had come back negative for a few days. Yet he's still trying. I even told him how desperate and easy that made him sound. Holy crap... NO!

As for how long I'm on hiatus.... Who knows. At least until someone's willing to get to know me, spend time with me and show a little more interest than just bumping uglies. Or until I just get desperate myself. Hopefully it's the former before the later.

I have to go to work tomorrow......

And I really don't want to. Lately it's not as fun as it used to be. The dynamic has changed. The structure has changed. We're facing a slow down in the business, which makes me nervous. I don't feel appreciated any more.

Oh and I'm cranky cause I haven't gotten any uhhhh fun in a long, long, long time. And bob's broke. Yes bob's broke, my sanity is clearly in question until I can get him replaced adequately. Even then Bob only does so much. At least it takes the edge off the crankiness though. I mean it's one thing to go days, weeks, months without a man's touch, it's a whole different world not to get any kind of satisfaction AT ALL!

It wouldn't be bad at all if I had even a boy toy, but when it all comes down to it. I want more than a boy toy and would get bored fast if that's all that it was.