Saturday, February 18, 2017

I suck at finding men!


I’m not sure I’m cut out for this relationship stuff. I want this to work out badly. I like this dude a lot. He makes me laugh, he’s super sweet. I just don’t know if I can handle the stress of waiting for the next foot to drop.

I’m trying to not hold up walls at the same time hold up enough walls to keep my sanity if the other foot drops and it doesn’t work out. I’m so tired of failing.

 

So I have to ask myself if I’m wanting this to work because I’m afraid to fail again and prove that it’s not all me and my fault?

Am I wanting this to work just so that I’m not alone any more? Am I looking for trouble, waiting for the other foot to drop.

 

I never thought of myself as a need person, but in this since of reassurance, I have become one.

 

 

I guess I need to catch back up.

 

So NYE dude is weird. Just really weird. He’s OCD to the nth degree. He got upset with my lifestyle of clutter and couldn’t hack it, walked away. Even if he’s sent me some really, nearly desperate texts that he maybe thinks he made a mistake. Monday night I finally just texted him that I’m trying with an old friend and really want it to work.

 

 

Back to the old friend. He and I have been texting and hanging out a lot. The last few days the texts haven’t been exactly all the time like they were, which hence has my stress up and has me really flabbergasted at my reactions and just messed up all the way around. Emotional to say the least.

 

I’ve gone his way the last couple of weekends to spend some time with him. Yesterday, on the holiday I truly dispise… Valentine’s Day I really do hate it like really really really hate it, I took a vacation day to hang with him. We went fishing. Off and on through the day it felt real, but he felt hung back. I really don’t know what to feel and how fast to fall. I’m afraid I’m already there. Which brings back the rest of my emotions and questions.

 

I want to hide away for a good cry. I really do. I want him to show me one way or another, I can’t handle my guessing. I’m usually not right anyway. Grrrr. Why can’t it just work already for me.

 

What makes matters worse… I’ve told people. A lot of people, well maybe not a lot but more than I normally would that I’m seeing someone…. What if that makes me a fool? What if that makes me a larger more hideous fool. I’ll look like I fell on my face again. Why?




 

Saturday, January 14, 2017

New year, new me and two new men.


New year, new me and two new men. 

 

2017, the year of another reinvention. The year I get back on the health track. The year I stop being single. 

Well maybe best 2 out of 3? 

 

New Year's Eve I had planned to go to a casino, drop $40, have a drink and be home before midnight. Ya know, the usual. Before I headed to the casino I drove out to a Pokémon hot spot. Yes, I became a Pokémon hunter. That even sounds pathetic to me. 

Anyway. While I'm arriving someone sends me a message on plenty of fish. Normally I just glance and delete. But this dude was local so I responded. 

Introduce online small talk. Blah. 

 

I mentioned where I'd be and that it'd be a ton more fun than his folding clothes. He was dense and didn't pick up the hint right away. Once he did, he agreed to meet me at a karaoke bar. 

 

He said he'd meet me around 10. I got there around 930. I sang a song and as 10 approached I figured he'd be like so many other douches I've encountered and he either wouldn't show or tuck tail and run. 

 

He did show however. He texted me and I guess I saw him before he saw me. When he didn't come to join me at my table, again my mind went to the other douches. Finally he saw me and joined me. He even paid for the 2 beers, one was before he got there even. 

 

The evening was filled with drunk watching and attempting to get to know each other over the singing. 

 

I did get a peck at midnight and a decent kiss at the truck to end the night. And he's still texting me. 

 

In fact, he came to a basketball game and took me to dinner after. 

 

And he's still texting me. 

 

Enter the 2nd dude. 

 

I've known this 2nd dude for years. He's hinted off and on the last couple months picking up something with me. He hinted more action in the sack and less romance. I'm just too damn old for that game and too long single. 

 

Well he started texting more this week and met for lunch one day. 

 

Both seem to be wanting something real and both keep texting. 

 

My bestest friend doesn't seem to think the one is good for me at all. Says he's a player and a user. She doesn't know the other at all. 

 

I'm willing to keep my options open at the moment. I don't want to close any doors. I

Really want something real and lasting in my life. Maybe 2017 is my year. I can only hope.