I suck at finding men!

I’m not sure I’m cut out for this relationship stuff. I want this to work out badly. I like this dude a lot. He makes me laugh, he’s super sweet. I just don’t know if I can handle the stress of waiting for the next foot to drop.

I’m trying to not hold up walls at the same time hold up enough walls to keep my sanity if the other foot drops and it doesn’t work out. I’m so tired of failing.

 

So I have to ask myself if I’m wanting this to work because I’m afraid to fail again and prove that it’s not all me and my fault?

Am I wanting this to work just so that I’m not alone any more? Am I looking for trouble, waiting for the other foot to drop.

 

I never thought of myself as a need person, but in this since of reassurance, I have become one.

 

 

I guess I need to catch back up.

 

So NYE dude is weird. Just really weird. He’s OCD to the nth degree. He got upset with my lifestyle of clutter and couldn’t hack it, walked away. Even if he’s sent me some really, nearly desperate texts that he maybe thinks he made a mistake. Monday night I finally just texted him that I’m trying with an old friend and really want it to work.

 

 

Back to the old friend. He and I have been texting and hanging out a lot. The last few days the texts haven’t been exactly all the time like they were, which hence has my stress up and has me really flabbergasted at my reactions and just messed up all the way around. Emotional to say the least.

 

I’ve gone his way the last couple of weekends to spend some time with him. Yesterday, on the holiday I truly dispise… Valentine’s Day I really do hate it like really really really hate it, I took a vacation day to hang with him. We went fishing. Off and on through the day it felt real, but he felt hung back. I really don’t know what to feel and how fast to fall. I’m afraid I’m already there. Which brings back the rest of my emotions and questions.

 

I want to hide away for a good cry. I really do. I want him to show me one way or another, I can’t handle my guessing. I’m usually not right anyway. Grrrr. Why can’t it just work already for me.

 

What makes matters worse… I’ve told people. A lot of people, well maybe not a lot but more than I normally would that I’m seeing someone…. What if that makes me a fool? What if that makes me a larger more hideous fool. I’ll look like I fell on my face again. Why?