Again.....

Never say never. I’ve said that to other people. I’ve told myself that many times. Yet I still do it and it bites me in the ass every time, every time.

I knew my state of mind 11 years ago. I knew my state of mind lately was nearly the same. I knew it was dangerous for me to be in that state of mind and looking for some physical relief. I knew looking in the wrong place was even more dangerous. Yet I did it again. That stupid, stupid song keeps ringing in my ears, “oops I did it again,” and I hate it.

A few months ago I hunted down an old flame. More to prove to myself I was better than that and to shove that in his face. I was ok, better than ok. I was fine without him in my life.

The last month or two, I just had no better thing to do, no better option, again so dangerous for me.

I’ve been single too long again. Since my divorce in 2004, only ten months after my marriage in 2003 I’ve dated a few times. One shortly after my divorce to an alcoholic, I dumped quickly after a few weeks. The second “relationship” resulted in my son in 2005-06, being dumped at 20 weeks pregnant wasn’t exactly fun. He hasn’t had anything to do with my son since. I went on a pretty long hiatus after that. In 2009 I dated a guy for about 10 months but was dumped via facebook relationship status change. Another long hiatus and taking out extra energy on fitness and I landed another real winner. Someone who I’m pretty sure cheated on me a few times, and took advantage of me financially in 2012.

Since then NOTHING outside of a duffas that was way too immature for me so it really shouldn’t county for the 4 weeks I tried! So for the last 12 years, I’ve tried a “relationship” 4 times, well 5 with immature dude. NONE of which lasted more than 10 months, only 3 lasted up to 10 months tops. So for the last 146 months, I’ve been “with someone” 30 of those. It’s actually really pathetic.

Hence my mood lately, I mean getting anything resembling physical action once every 6 months, if I’m lucky is a real downer. Sometimes that physical release is wrapped up in 30 minutes or less. REALLY!?

So a few weekends ago the past came back to haunt me. Walking me to the car after a night of karaoke and he kissed my neck, right under my ear lobe, his mustache tickling my neck, my weakness, I knew I needed to be stronger. History repeats itself though. After a few too many to drink I pecked him on his lips this past weekend. Then on Saturday he kisses me, like really kisses me and asks me to take him home. I was pretty proud of myself for telling him no, that it sounded good but was probably not a good idea. I made it 2/3’s of the way home and he texts me though, I’d left my credit card at the bar. SHIT!

He brought it to me. Sat on my couch and watched a movie, then made his move. I forgot his move, but it worked. Damn but it worked. We tore up sheets, the bed and oh my god I had to tell him to stop. I forgot but he damn sure reminded me. I sent him packing right away but holy hot damn, I want to try another round, ya know make sure I remember for a while, because it would never work.

It won’t work long term with him. I want someone long term, to share life with. I want stability and steady love and action and support. He can’t do that, I know he can’t. He lives an hour away, I’m not moving. I’d be the bread winner again, like a huge difference, I think. I don’t mind being equals or even if I brought home a little more financially than someone I was with, but no way could I do the sugar momma thing again and feel taken advantage of.

So I’m in this dangerous place again with my feelings, with my physical needs and what I deserve. I deserve so much more, so much better. I’ve put up with a lot of SHIT a WHOLE LOT OF SHIT. I’ve been left 10 months after marriage for someone else. I’ve been cheated on more than once, taken advantage of financially. I’ve been dumped via facebook. I’ve been given the mixed signals, brush offs, used for one thing or another. I want someone to be there for me, only for me, and despite all my walls, faults and downfalls.

So prince charming, sir if you could show yourself really soon that would be GREAT!

My past coming back

A couple of people from my past are popping back up in Facebook lately and I'm not sure why now or how to feel about it.

I've tried to keep up with my son's bio sperm donor through the years. If for no other reason to know how to contact him and what to tell my son if and when he ever asks questions. 

He seems about the same as he always has. It doesn't appear that he's working. He is considerably older and I guess could be drawing ss by now, who knows. Part of me wants to get child support from him, the other doesn't want to bother, I'm doing just fine and he's never lifted a finger before.

The other blast from the past was a short fling. He was emotionally unavailable to me apparently and ended things before they ever really took off. I know at one point not terribly long after he was in a relationship but appears not now. 

It's WEIRD!

The latest in online dating

I finally had a date. Dinner, and he bought, it was even steak. He was older, and met off a promo free weekend on one of the dating sites I have a profile on. 

Pros.... Seems to have his shit together. Has one kid, grown and out of the house. Has a job, vehicle and from my background check seems clean.

Cons... He's older, on the shyer end of the scale, doesn't drink at all.... This one sounds funny. I don't want a drunk or a lush, but I enjoy a beer or wine too much on occasion to have someone that won't drink or will frown on drinking. He's already raised a kid, don't know if he's up to it again even as a step. He could get clingy before I'm ready.

I also texted with another dude from the same promo weekend. I'm very intrigued with this guy. I'm hoping making a meeting later this week, we will see.

That's it.... I'm otherwise still on hiatus, minus a quick scratch by a dependable back up to keep me from being too desperate or irrationally jumping someone else too quickly....hey he fixed my headlight too.

Some dudes just can't take a hint

I'm not interested. No thank you. Uh not today. Total silence. Some dudes are so dense, none of of this works.

I've decided to take a hiatus. Short or long term is yet to be determined. Life has worn me down. I'm at a point and a state of mind that I'm not comfortable with. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of not being touched, not being loved, not being cuddled and told I'm beautiful. The lack of that makes me a tool. A cold, empty tool, that once used is pushed aside completely. 

So I'm on a hiatus. I'm going to focus on me, eating better, hopefully becoming more active and working out again. 

I had made this decision and then a dude that is totally unavailble, emotionally and truly otherwise can't take a hint. He texts me. I'm good with that, passes the time, but I know he only wants one thing. I told him about my hiatus. I told him I'm a single woman and it's winter time, thus I only shave when I truly feel like it, which isn't this week. I told him him I'm a slob today. Sweats, hoodie, ball cap, hairy slob today. I also told him mother nature's preggo test had come back negative for a few days. Yet he's still trying. I even told him how desperate and easy that made him sound. Holy crap... NO!

As for how long I'm on hiatus.... Who knows. At least until someone's willing to get to know me, spend time with me and show a little more interest than just bumping uglies. Or until I just get desperate myself. Hopefully it's the former before the later.

I have to go to work tomorrow......

And I really don't want to. Lately it's not as fun as it used to be. The dynamic has changed. The structure has changed. We're facing a slow down in the business, which makes me nervous. I don't feel appreciated any more.

Oh and I'm cranky cause I haven't gotten any uhhhh fun in a long, long, long time. And bob's broke. Yes bob's broke, my sanity is clearly in question until I can get him replaced adequately. Even then Bob only does so much. At least it takes the edge off the crankiness though. I mean it's one thing to go days, weeks, months without a man's touch, it's a whole different world not to get any kind of satisfaction AT ALL!

It wouldn't be bad at all if I had even a boy toy, but when it all comes down to it. I want more than a boy toy and would get bored fast if that's all that it was.

Another new year.......

So it's another new year. Another year I rang in alone. Another year that I had no midnight kiss, no one to look forward to the new year with. It's officially a long time single. I don't remember my last true honest to goodness date. You know the kind, where I get an invitation to dinner, movie or to just hang out. Oh wait I take that back I had ONE of those over the summer, and it was a double date with dip shit chicken wanker young pup.

I signed up and PAID for a new site last week. We will see, but so far I'm NOT seeing it as very promising.

This potential site is supposedly supposed to link me up with more "like minded guys."

So far most of these "like minded guys" reside in areas well more than an hour away. I've said it before, I'm sure but just in case.... I'm not moving. My family is here, I have a really good job here and it would be a hard battle to find one comparible anywhere else. I've spent the last several years setting up what I do as a second job, investing and building a customer base. I like it here, I was raised here, my son is in a good school. These are just some of the reasons. I wouldn't mind moving 30 minutes tops away, but I would really like to keep my son in the same school district he's in now. 

I know it's selfish to say I won't move but I can't help it. I know that most of these guys are in the same situation. I know how I feel so I really don't want to ask them to enter into anything even the begginning stages of a relationship knowing that ultimately if it worked someone would have to make a tough decision. I don't want to ask them to make that decision. It would be much easier if I could meet and link up with someone more local.

I still want to be persued. I'll put myself out there to a certain point. But I want a strong willing man to reach out and persue me. I've tried to persue and I don't like it. I guess part of me wants that man to prove early on that they WANT to know me, WANT to spend time with me because of who I am including all my edginess and faults.